Not Very Kafkaesque

I've never read any novels by Franz Kafka because I've never came across anything described as "Kafkaesque" that would  "spark joy" - to use a Marie Kondo expression. I'm drawn to books and movies with a positive message...

But recently - in a book on nurturing creativity - I came across a Kafka quote that actually sounded interesting. Writing about the need to be alone to nurture creativity, the author quoted Kafka:

You do not need to leave your room .... Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait. Do not even wait, be quite still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice. It will roll in ecstasy at your feet.

I don't know if his saying that "the world will freely offer itself to you" refers to imagination, to the solving of a problem, or to something else entirely. But the quote resonated with me because I'm one of those people who needs to spend time in solitude every day - just to clear my mind.

My Winter Reading

My bedside table has two piles of books.

On top of one pile is a book I often turn to when looking for something interesting - but not too compelling - to read before falling asleep...

The Shaping of a Life is the autobiography of Phyllis Tickle, a writer I became interested in when I discovered the "Divine Hours" prayer books she compiled - collections of prayers and sermons that span the history of Christianity.

I was excited when, a few years later, I had the opportunity to hear her in person at a weekend retreat at the Sisters of St. John the Divine Convent in Toronto. How had she come to write these prayer books, I wanted to know...

My enthusiasm subsided when I got there. I was shocked to find, not a quiet contemplative - but a dynamic, opinionated woman whose strange (to me) views on the history of Christianity were jarring to my own personal beliefs... (To put it mildly...!)

(I remember, after every session, rushing to my room to get away from her - and to pray for peace and an open mind!)

At the end of the weekend, this dynamic eighty-something-year-old (who looked like this - youthful and energetic in person as she does in this dust-jacket cover photo) announced that she was planning no more speaking engagements but was  heading home to write...

What came out of that writing time? I wondered a year or so later, as I googled her name. I was again shocked - this time to discover that, 11 months after I heard her speak, she had died of cancer...

Since then, I've been trying to figure her out - by piecing together stories of her life and accomplishments.

Our public library has a number of books by and about her. One that I'm currently reading was written by colleagues who knew her well - a tribute to the woman they were friends with - written when she was planning to retire at the age of 80.

I've found it more interesting than I expected...

I guess I'm still trying to understand the woman who, as an editor, had such an impact on religious publishing over the last few decades - but also, on a more personal level, compiled the Divine Hours prayer books, which are among the books dearest to me...

"Consumerism" in Prayer

I am re-reading a twentieth-century Benedictine book entitled The Path of Life...

Written by a modern-day Benedictine monk from Britain, it presents an interesting point of view. Often I only read half a page before I stop to reflect.

In a chapter devoted to prayer, I paused after reading the following: A very common obstacle for people like ourselves, living in the late twentieth century, is the hunger for results. Influenced as we are by our consumer culture, we tend to see prayer as a product which we have bought, and therefore we expect it to yield quick results. What sort of results? Many of us, when we settle down to pray, do so with a number of unconscious or half-conscious expectations. Since I have decided to give up some of my invaluable time to God, I expect him to do something for me in return, preferably rather quickly. A sense of inner peace and tranquility, for example, would be nice to have; or a glimpse of the unity and harmony underlying all things. An occasional prophetic glimpse into the future would be welcome as well... If none of these things happen, we feel cheated and want our money back. We expect perceptible results in a short time, and because these have not been forthcoming, we conclude that something has gone wrong... (p. 93)

Am I like this? I have to ask myself... Is consumerism a cultural bias I bring to my understanding of prayer?

Reflecting on ... "Stability"

One of my goals, when I retired, was to travel. Another was to study the history of Christianity. (I've done both, so I can't complain... in case this sounds like I'm complaining!)

Hawaii is my favorite winter destination. If I could escape winter again this year, that's probably where I would head!

In my religious reading and studies, I've been mulling over the Benedictine way of life - named after Benedict of Nursia, the 5th century "Father of Western Monasticism," who wrote a famous "rule" book for living peaceably with others.

One of his principles is "stability" - being rooted, not running around looking for a better place to be. Just staying put.

I'm not ready to stop traveling, but this winter, my normal travel companions aren't willing to go anywhere, so I've been left wondering if I should travel alone, like I used to. Or focus on staying put, on "stability."

Some Thoughts on Work

You'd think that in retirement, all thoughts of "work" would be gone... But they're not!

During my working years, I often wondered whether I had found my vocation or "calling." As a teacher - I found limited opportunity for creativity. The curriculum controlled much of what was done in the classroom. Each cycle of educational "reforms" imposed its own regimen. So I looked forward to retirement, to the freedom of spending my time any way I wanted.

Now that I'm retired, I'm always looking for interesting and meaningful things to do, activities that satisfy my desire for creativity, and also help those around me.

Thankfully, I also discovered Benedictine thought, which values work and creativity.

I recently started reading a book entitled Friend of the Soul: A Benedictine Spirituality of Work, which talks of work as a "calling."We are "called" by our interests and talents.

Here are a few of the author's comments that struck a chord, as I look back on my working days and now on my life in retirement...

• Jobs that ask too little of us are as dehumanizing as jobs that ask too much. Exhaustion and boredom at work are not opposites, but are different ways of signaling that the human being is undervalued on the job... 
• Each of us has a particular 'work' that only we can do... we dare not allow our work or the work of our employees to be trivialized, for each is meant to contribute to the ongoing work of creation.
• As created human beings, we are made for purposeful activity.

I remember one of my friends telling me how her father had dreaded retirement. When he reached mandatory retirement age and was forced to retire at age 65, he told his family: Now my life is over.

His wife encouraged him to think about spending winters in Florida. But on their first trip south, he had a heart attack and died...

We all need to feel our lives are meaningful... even in retirement!

Ordinary Life

Early in my retirement, a friend loaned me a book that introduced me to the life and writing of a Christian monk who lived 1500 years ago, whose "Rule" for monastic living is still followed by many today - including those, like me, who have no connection to any monastery.

Since that first book, entitled Benedict's Way, I have read quite a few books on Benedictine spirituality. I have just started another, entitled No Moment Too Small. It reminds me that I was first attracted to the Benedictine way of life because it is focused on "ordinary" day-to-day living, which is what my life in retirement is.

Norvene Vest writes: The key to Benedictine spirituality life in the word "ordinary"... no moment is too small for nearness to God.... Christian living is daily. Everything in my life matters... 

The rules for getting along with others: When we experience weakness in others, are we disappointed that they have let us down, or do we gladly offer them our strength, knowing that we can depend on theirs in other circumstances? 

Are we sufficiently sensitive to the needs of others that we will pass the bread in response to a mere nod?

How do we care for old clothes and garden tools?

(Benedict's Rule deals with details like these - out of respect for people and for belongings.)

I'm looking forward to reading more. (Sometimes all we need are gentle reminders!)

Hanging in There...

I have been struggling with high blood sugar for about 10 years now. The problem hasn't gone away, but I have managed to hold it at bay: I haven't started to take medication... yet. Occasionally my daily early morning glucose readings rise too high... Why? Sometimes my body is fighting an infection (unbeknownst to me...). A few days or weeks late on I discover the cause. Often I simply have to get back to the basics: Eat fewer carbs, walk more - preferably a least 45 minutes a day... And the situation rights itself. Every three months I have a blood test to monitor my situation.

One day recently, when my early morning glucose reading was much higher than it should be, I was very discouraged... I've been trying so hard for so long... It does get tiring... Was it the French fries I ate with the fish I had for supper last night? Is it a dental problem? Who knows?!!

Then I happened to read an early morning reflection on "enduring": The trouble is that we are all inclined to quit a thing too quickly, Joan Chittister writes. We quit when people tell us we will never make it. We quit when we get tired. We quit when we don't improve. These criteria slow a lot of human progress...

But, she cautions: Endurance is not a virtue when it tolerates evil... Never endure what is not in itself essentially good, or designed to make everybody's world a better place, or, in the end, really good for your own development...

So I'll resolve again to walk more - starting today - and to be less complacent about what I eat... Good health, that enables me to enjoy my life - and the people in it - is worth the extra effort of hanging in!

Time - Time - Time

I'm not as stressed by time as I used to be, when I had a full-time job. That's one of the benefits of retirement. But occasionally I wonder why certain chores don't get done. (Do I lack time - or am I avoiding work I don't want to do?!)

But the other day, I came across the idea of wasting time three times, one after the other, in three different places! (Is there a message for me in this?!!)

Joyce Meyer, in one of her talks, commented that time, like money, is a limited commodity. We need to take care how we spend it. 

Later I received an email informing me of an upcoming Benedictine symposium on "The Gift of Time, the Rule of St. Benedict, and the Ordering of our Lives." The first lecture is entitled "Time: the Forgotten Spiritual Gift." The symposium is being organized by the same group that organized the Benedictine Experience I attended in Canterbury last year.

Then in the book, Learning to Walk in the Dark, author Barbara Brown Taylor describes her feelings, sitting in the dark, watching the moon rise - something she hasn't done in years, because she has been too busy. 

Am I also too busy - too preoccupied - and missing out on special moments that come my way? Perhaps I need to be reminded to be more mindful of how I spend my time.

Reflecting on St. Benedict's Rule

I've read a lot of Benedictine books since discovering Benedict's Way several years ago.

One I've just started reading, called St. Benedict's Toolbox, is making me think:

"Benedict... stresses the importance of being in a community and not living either in isolation or as a wanderer," the author (Jane Tomaine) writes.

I'm not really a wanderer... but I do like to wander (if traveling can be called such...) And before planning my retirement, half a dozen years ago, I collected a file of information on teaching overseas, something I thought would be fun to do. There is still a lot of "wanderer" in my spirit!

"Benedict emphasized living together in one physical place and remaining solidly faithful to that place and to the people in that place," she continues.

We moved to Ottawa 35 years ago as a one-year experience: Terry planned to do a one-year program at St. Paul University. Then we were going to leave. But we found work here, bought a house, raised a family. Yet I never considered Ottawa our "permanent" home, and I still don't, even though we've lived here longer than we've lived anywhere else. Should I readjust my thinking and try to view Ottawa as my permanent home? Montreal (where we met and were married) is still my favorite Canadian city... And with children in Toronto, we sometimes think of moving there...

Permanence hasn't ever been part of my thinking... Should it be?!

Where Does the Time Go?

One of my goals in retirement is to live a stress-free life. Things, of course, happen - problems inevitably occur. But I no longer want to rush around, wondering how I will ever finish all I need to do - as I did in my working life, especially the last few years.

But I also don't want to spend my days lounging around, listless, lacking in purpose.

That is why the monastic schedule created by St. Benedict 1,600 years ago intrigues me. Time is scheduled for work, study, reading, prayer and recreation - which could mean going for a walk or simply relaxing. Work needed to be done, and everyone shared in it - but other aspects of life were viewed as essential, too.

So I found it interesting to read the comments of Canadian journalist Jane Christmas (in her book, And Then There Were Nuns) about life in a twenty-first century convent.

"In the secular world, the hours bled into one another indiscriminately, whereas in the convent, each hour had its purpose... For the first time in my life, I was taking tea breaks... Two hours was the longest block of time devoted to work... 
"As the sun drifted down to the horizon I never asked, "Where did the time go?" because I knew exactly where it had gone... I could account for every hour... and this brought a wonderful clarity and appreciation to life."

Her schedule?

6 a.m. Wake up, dress, quiet prayer
7:15 Lauds [morning prayer in the chapel]
8:00 Breakfast [in silence]/cleanup
9:00 Work
11:00 Tea
11:20 Work
12:00 Midday prayer [in chapel]
1:00 Dinner [in silence]/clean up/quiet time
2:30 Work
4:30 Tea
4:45 Work
6:00 Compline [evening pray in chapel]
7:00 Supper [in silence]/cleanup
8:00 Read/free-time
9:00 Compline [prayer in chapel at the end of the day]
9:30 Bed time

Her schedule leans more heavily into "work" than I remember St. Benedict's original schedule doing - though "work" does only add up to about 6 hours, the same as Benedict's did. In addition, she had one day "off" every week. No need to show up for any group activities on that day!

The disorganized person I am loves the idea of a schedule - a gentle schedule that reminds me that there are things to be done - but a schedule that doesn't make me a slave to work... or to anything else, for that matter!

Some Thoughts on "Work"

During my "working days" I looked forward to vacations (and retirement) - times when my life wouldn't be controlled by my 7 to 5 day ... and a tote bag of essays to mark that I always carried around in case I had a few minutes to spare.

Those days are gone - but work hasn't stopped in retirement. The pace, however, has changed: I do what I have time and inclination to do. I no longer push myself, remembering, as one retired friend commented: There's always tomorrow!

I also have more time to reflect on work. I like the Benedictine concept that "work is what we do to continue what God wanted done. Work is co-creative... purposeful and perfecting and valuable... We work because the world is unfinished and it is ours to develop... To have a gift that can nourish the community I must be all that I can be..."

That's true at every age and stage of life - even in retirement! 

The Power of ... Just Hanging In!

You haven't been doing your "spiritual reflections" on Sundays, Terry tells me. I miss them.

Really?! It's not that I haven't been reflecting. It's just that I'm struggling to put into words some of the things I've been thinking about...!

Like the words of Esther de Waal: "...life is, inevitably, for much of the time, far from ideal, and ... we have to live with that reality: a less than wonderful marriage, a house that is far from spacious and beautiful, a job that is not really rewarding and fulfilling. So how do I handle the frustrations? the limitations? the disappointments? Trivial everyday misery can be the most deadening..."

There was a time in my life when I would have used unhappiness as motivation to seek out a new path - a new career, perhaps, or a new place to live. But somewhere down the line, I realized that nothing is perfect all the time.

So now I am drawn to the Benedictine approach of accepting these trials, perhaps not eagerly, but in the hope that "acceptance will make them life-giving rather than life-denying, surely one of the more difficult things simply because it is so undramatic."

Cultivating Attentiveness

For many years I had a half-hour drive to work. I remember on numerous occasions nearing my final turn-off and suddenly realizing I was there! What had I been thinking about?! I don't know - but I had absolutely no recollection of the journey. My mind had been on other things. It was a bit of a shock to realize I was there.

When I mentioned this to one of my co-workers, she replied: Well, you must have been somewhat attentive, because you arrived safely and on time. 

Yes, but I didn't remember the journey!

Being more attentive to "the journey" has become one of my goals in retirement. That is why I am drawn to these words by Joan Chittister:  "We have learned well in our time to go through life nonstop. Now it is time to learn to collect ourselves from time to time so that God can touch us in the most hectic of moments."

"If I am present to this child before I dress her, then the dressing becomes an act of creation. If I am present to my spouse in the living room, then marriage becomes an act of divine communion. If I am present to the flower before I cut it, then life becomes precious. If I am present to the time of prayer before I pray, then prayer becomes the juncture of the human with the Divine."

I like to talk to people who are giving me all their attention. Why is it so hard for me to live in a similarly attentive way?!!

The Importance of Family Dinner

For many years, as a single adult, I ate most meals alone. Sometimes I would browse through cookbooks as I ate, wishing I had the time and inclination to make more interesting meals. Everything changed when I got married. Terry, a strong believer in family dinners, wanted us to eat at least one meal together. He was right, of course. But working out the details was a problem... (He didn't necessarily want to eat when I was hungry.) On the upside, mealtimes became more varied as he shared in the cooking. As added incentive to share food preparation and cleanup, we decided that the one to cook would not have to clean up.

Over the years, our family has had many different mealtime routines. I remember, when the children were very young, having to jump up so many times at mealtime to bring food or clean up spills that I longed to eat alone, undisturbed, like I did in my single days. I remember when they were a little older and came home from school at 4, hungry. If they snacked then, they didn't want to eat supper when Terry got home from work at 7 or 7:30 pm. I finally decided that their supper - and mine - would be early and he would eat later, alone. This was hard for him, as he felt that a shared family meal is important. Then there were the years when I would get up and eat breakfast before the rest of the family was awake. I'd make school lunches and leave for work just as my then-teenage children were beginning to stir. Evening meals depended on soccer practice times and dance classes. We didn't always sit down for a communal family meal. Weekends were the time we tried to bring everyone together, especially for Sunday dinner. For me the big thing was not eating in front of the TV, oblivious to the real people in the room.

Now in retirement Terry and I usually eat our evening meal together. We get up at different times, so we have different eating patterns the rest of the day.

I have always sensed the importance of family dinners as a time of sitting still and communicating with each other, sharing what everyone has been doing the rest of the day.

But there is more to it than that, according to Joan Chittister. In Wisdom Distilled From the Daily, she writes: "The act of gathering and sharing and celebrating the day together is the moment when we celebrate one another's gifts to us. Everyone here has made this sustaining moment possible, by preparing the food or paying for the food or growing the food or carrying the food or serving the food or clearing up after the family...

"At the common table, too, is the source of the emotional nourishment and attention for which we all long. When... our friends are disinterested and our acquaintances are unkind, there is always the family table where we will be wanted and attended to and healed of the bad memories of the day... Here at the common table we remember that all the best work in the world is worth nothing unless it's done for someone.

"At the common table, too, we are taught self control. There is only so much ... to go around. Everyone must get some... Nothing that has been prepared for us should be rejected. Here discipline and fasting are made real."

Family dinners should be a joy, a comfort and a celebration! That can be a challenge - whatever stage of life you are at!

Continual Conversion - And Trying Again

I remember - at a much younger age - making an elaborate set of New Year's resolutions every year. Eventually I discovered that change is harder than it looks, so I stopped creating my lists. But we do need times of re-evaluation - when we look at our lives and recognize the need for change.

I have recently come to appreciate the Benedictine approach: Every day is a new beginning!

Benedictines call "continual conversion" the growth that naturally occurs when people pray, study and put into practice what they learn. To this growth process, the Benedictines add an indispensable step: "when we fail and fail and fail ... never ... despair."*

I love this practical approach! Rather than focusing on perfection and becoming stressed by failure, view it as inevitable. Try. Fail. (It's inevitable!) But then, get up and try again!

---------------------

*The quote above is from Joan Chittister's Wisdom Distilled From the Daily: "We're told not not to be proud or intent on control, to resist addictions, to use our energies well, to avoid negative thoughts and negative speech patterns, to recognize our own creaturehood, to nourish the interior life, to live with seriousness of purpose and consciousness of ultimate things, to reach out to others, to love with a love that is nonexploitive, to be a healing presence, and, finally, when we fail and fail and fail in all of these, never to despair..."

Statio: A Holy Pause

Since discovering St. Benedict a few years ago, I have read a number of Benedictine books - and learned a number of Latin expressions associated with the Benedictine way of life. There is lauds - early morning praise... I think of it as appreciating the beauty of a new day. There's lectio divina, slow meditative reading. But recently I came across an expression - and concept - that I hadn't heard before: statio. The glossary in the book where I first read it describes it as "The practice of gathering in silence outside of the monastic chapel in order to achieve a spirit of recollection before the community enters ... for choral prayer."

But elsewhere in the book, it is explained further: "Statio is the practice of stopping one thing before we begin another. It is the time between times... The practice of statio is meant to center us and make us conscious of what we're about to do... Statio sets out to get our attention before life goes by in one great blur..."

Instant realization hits: Statio is what I have been seeking in my quest for a quieter, more attentive life, enjoying every moment of every day.

What We Eat, Wear, Own

In a recent sermon, our minister remarked that if all we care about is what we eat, what we wear and what we own, we will never be interested in Jesus. I remember smiling and thinking - Benedict's rule (written 1600 years ago) deals precisely with all those things!

What we eat? His guideline was that there should be two dishes on the table so that everyone would find something they liked. No tyrannical sense of: Eat it, whether you like it or not...

His guideline on clothing was that it should be clean, comfortable, in good condition and fit well... (Using his guideline has helped me weed out my closet.)

What we own... nothing! In Benedict's monastery, rich and poor came to live - and all gave up their personal possessions.

So - although these issues -what we eat, what we wear, what we own - shouldn't be all we care about, they definitely form an important part of our faith life.

A New Take on Hospitality

Every family develops a "personality" - which can be different from the personality of each individual in it. Our home is a quiet haven for the three of us who live here. Rarely do we invite people over, except for special meals like Thanksgiving or Christmas. Most of our socializing is done in other places - over coffee after church with friends we see there, or out of doors with neighbors whenever we meet.

After many years of marriage, I still find this strange. I grew up in a family where my grandmother's house was a hive of activity - people coming and going, often staying for food. (But then, she had 10 children, many of whom lived nearby.) My brother and I often had friends over in our parents' home. Our kids did, too, when they were all here. But the three of us who remain have created a quieter space.

Sometimes our apparent lack of hospitality bothers me. But I have been challenged to view hospitality in a slightly different light - from two different sources. (A sign perhaps that this is what I need to hear!)

It is so easy for people to come to live with others as if they were living alone, Joan Chittister writes in Wisdom Distilled from the Daily. All they have to do is stop noticing one another.

Then, in Benedict's Way (a book I am drawn back to again and again), I read: Hospitality isn't about anything as simple as the best china, lace napkins, and crystal wineglasses. It might include those, but the real meaning of hospitality has to do with... "making room inside yourself for another person."

So perhaps the real meaning of hospitality is taking the time to be with people - and pay attention to them, wherever that happens. It's about opening your heart - not just your home!

Freedom In Community

I am always looking for insights into parenting and relating to family members, and have found a lot to ponder in the Benedictine concept of community. As I read Joan Chittister's book, Wisdom Distilled From the Daily, I realize that this is the way I would like to relate to others:

A Benedictine spirituality of community... has a reverence for uniqueness as well as bondedness...; it is community of heart and soul and mind..., not control... [To] understand that is to free us from having to control everyone in our world... We begin to realize ... the gift of the individuals in our lives... We begin to realize that we don't have the master plan for every body else's life... children must be allowed to go their own way and ... husbands have to be allowed to make their dreams come true... and wives must be permitted to become gifted people themselves instead of simply being the family's live-in help.

We begin to learn to trust our own gifts, too, but not for their own sake. We develop our gifts... for the good of others... Our gifts are to be given away so that the whole human community is richer for our having been here.

All my life I have lived in a culture of "control." As a child and even as an adult, I have often felt pressured to please family members. (And - I confess - in return I expect them to please me!) Professionally, as a teacher, I would have lost my job had I not demonstrated classroom "control" daily! So control is and always has been a big part of my life - and I hate it! Change isn't easy... But as a mother, a daughter, a wife, a sister, a friend, I would really like to live with an attitude of daily appreciation of the uniqueness of everyone in my life - encouraging them to follow their dreams, free from the tyranny of having to do things just to please me.

Memorable Moments in My "Benedictine Experience"

My whole week in Canterbury was a relaxing, joyful, peaceful time.

There were excellent speakers, among them historians.














Especially memorable were questions posed by some participants, questions that made us think - like "Can one practice Benedictine principles like humility in a highly competitive workplace?"

The three daily services gave structure to our day.


















But there was flexibility, too.














When some of us mentioned that we would like a tour of the cathedral, Esther showed us around.














She had lived there in the 1980s, as the wife of the dean.














Her children had attended school on the cathedral grounds...














Memorable also was the invitation to visit the home of the current dean... and stay for tea in the garden.














A welcoming friendliness pervaded the whole week.














Everyone made a point of talking, sitting and eating with different people - people they hadn't yet met. By the end of the week, I had conversed with all but one or two people...














I can't pin-point a time that was most memorable: The whole experience left a lasting impression!














And that's what it was all about - experiencing the cathedral - including the tombs of the martyrs (which I dusted!)...














And of course, there were the people - the memorable people we shared the experience with...














... and the rhythm of a Benedictine day, every day for a week!