My mother kept the hand-typed receipt.
(And attached to the receipt is a clipping of their engagement announcement in the Edmonton Journal...)
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Monday, August 26, 2019
Mementos of My Parents' Wedding
Seventy-five years ago today, my parents got married...
Going through my mother's memorabilia, I discovered that - back in 1944 when my father applied for a marriage license, the certificate (in Alberta) cost 50 cents!
My mother kept the hand-typed receipt.
(And attached to the receipt is a clipping of their engagement announcement in the Edmonton Journal...)
My mother kept the hand-typed receipt.
(And attached to the receipt is a clipping of their engagement announcement in the Edmonton Journal...)
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Some Thoughts on Marriage... After 37 Years!
On September 17, 1977, I thought I understood marriage!
(Yes, today is our 37th anniversary...) But after all these years, I still don't feel I have all the answers, which is why I am always interested in other people's "secrets of marriage success."
I look around me at successful - and faltering - marriages, and it is apparent that marriage is more than two people living together. It is a seed that is planted with great hope for a healthy mature "plant." But like all plants, a marriage needs to be consciously tended by both marriage partners to fulfill its true potential.
How is it tended? By paying attention to its needs! Those needs may be different at different times. Perhaps more time together doing fun things... Perhaps simple kindness and appreciation. As I see men and women visit spouses in my mother's nursing home, just being there for the other person counts for a lot, too.
Early in our marriage, we had friends in their 30s who had married at age 18. They had gone to university together and, seven years later, they were expecting their first child.
What is your secret of success? I asked him.
Doing things that draw you together, not things that pull you apart, he quickly answered.
Parenting is a phase of life that can create stress as parents differ in their parenting philosophies. This can happen at any stage, but perhaps occurs most noticeably when children are teenagers. (Perhaps its the culmination of many years of not agreeing...) One couple I know - who are no longer together - had radically different aspirations for their children. He viewed hard work and a disciplined lifestyle as essential. She wanted their children to be popular and have fun. Once, when talking to one of them, Terry commented: You need to come up with a plan that works for both of you.
Planning requires communication. I remember occasions when I didn't agree with Terry's parenting approach and he would say: You're supposed to back me up.
Well, then you have to ask me beforehand and hear what I think, I replied. If I don't agree with you on this matter, I not going to pretend I do.
Communication is essential! It can diffuse anger that builds up when a person doesn't feel listened to or understood. Here I think of advice given to us early in our marriage by a couple who are still together: Don't discuss anything controversial after 10 pm or when you are tired.
We have tried to keep that rule throughout our 37 years.
Simple kindness should also not be underestimated - treating your spouse the way you would like to be treated.
(Yes, today is our 37th anniversary...) But after all these years, I still don't feel I have all the answers, which is why I am always interested in other people's "secrets of marriage success."
I look around me at successful - and faltering - marriages, and it is apparent that marriage is more than two people living together. It is a seed that is planted with great hope for a healthy mature "plant." But like all plants, a marriage needs to be consciously tended by both marriage partners to fulfill its true potential.
How is it tended? By paying attention to its needs! Those needs may be different at different times. Perhaps more time together doing fun things... Perhaps simple kindness and appreciation. As I see men and women visit spouses in my mother's nursing home, just being there for the other person counts for a lot, too.
Early in our marriage, we had friends in their 30s who had married at age 18. They had gone to university together and, seven years later, they were expecting their first child.
What is your secret of success? I asked him.
Doing things that draw you together, not things that pull you apart, he quickly answered.
Parenting is a phase of life that can create stress as parents differ in their parenting philosophies. This can happen at any stage, but perhaps occurs most noticeably when children are teenagers. (Perhaps its the culmination of many years of not agreeing...) One couple I know - who are no longer together - had radically different aspirations for their children. He viewed hard work and a disciplined lifestyle as essential. She wanted their children to be popular and have fun. Once, when talking to one of them, Terry commented: You need to come up with a plan that works for both of you.
Planning requires communication. I remember occasions when I didn't agree with Terry's parenting approach and he would say: You're supposed to back me up.
Well, then you have to ask me beforehand and hear what I think, I replied. If I don't agree with you on this matter, I not going to pretend I do.
Communication is essential! It can diffuse anger that builds up when a person doesn't feel listened to or understood. Here I think of advice given to us early in our marriage by a couple who are still together: Don't discuss anything controversial after 10 pm or when you are tired.
We have tried to keep that rule throughout our 37 years.
Simple kindness should also not be underestimated - treating your spouse the way you would like to be treated.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Love... and Acceptance
My thought for today (which also happens to be my wedding anniversary): We look for LOVE and LOYALTY in marriage (and so we should!)... But what keeps a marriage strong is true ACCEPTANCE:
"Husband and wife characteristically accept each other as they are. Their faith in each other's regard for them is not based on their own worth or right, but on the other's acceptance of them just as they are. It is hard to think of any other relationship (except perhaps within a religious community) where acceptance could be so unreserved, so productive of mutual health and growth." (From Seeking God by Esther de Waal, p. 126)
(I love the idea that acceptance leads - not to stagnation - but to GROWTH!)
"Husband and wife characteristically accept each other as they are. Their faith in each other's regard for them is not based on their own worth or right, but on the other's acceptance of them just as they are. It is hard to think of any other relationship (except perhaps within a religious community) where acceptance could be so unreserved, so productive of mutual health and growth." (From Seeking God by Esther de Waal, p. 126)
(I love the idea that acceptance leads - not to stagnation - but to GROWTH!)
Sunday, September 16, 2012
One Hug, Twice a Day
Not long ago, I posted some comments entitled Secrets for a Happy Marriage. I have just read about another secret:
A recent study that monitored the daily habits of couples in order to determine what produced good and stable marriages revealed that only one activity made a consistent difference, and that was embracing of one's spouse at the beginning and end of each day. Most surprising... was that "it didn't seem to matter whether or not in that moment the partners were fully engaged or even sincere! Just a perfunctory peck on the cheek was enough to make a difference in the quality of a relationship."
The article quoted continued: ... this "should not surprise churchgoers. Whatever you do repeatedly has the power to shape you, has the power to make you into a different person - even if you're not totally 'engaged' in every minute."
(From Acedia & Me, p. 187-188)
A recent study that monitored the daily habits of couples in order to determine what produced good and stable marriages revealed that only one activity made a consistent difference, and that was embracing of one's spouse at the beginning and end of each day. Most surprising... was that "it didn't seem to matter whether or not in that moment the partners were fully engaged or even sincere! Just a perfunctory peck on the cheek was enough to make a difference in the quality of a relationship."
The article quoted continued: ... this "should not surprise churchgoers. Whatever you do repeatedly has the power to shape you, has the power to make you into a different person - even if you're not totally 'engaged' in every minute."
(From Acedia & Me, p. 187-188)
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Secrets For a Happy Marriage
I have recently come across several secrets for a happy marriage, so I thought I'd pass them on...
My son sent me this one he found on the internet...
Then I came across this advice by American poet, Ogden Nash. He addressed it to husbands (but I think it is equally useful for wives!):
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up. "A Word to Husbands" in Marriage Lines (1964)
The best advice Terry and I received from friends, early in our marriage, was: Never discuss anything controversial after 10 pm.
At the time, we often reminded each other of this useful precept - to avoid heated arguments when we were both tired. But nowadays it's mostly irrelevant: I am always asleep before 10 pm!
My son sent me this one he found on the internet...
Then I came across this advice by American poet, Ogden Nash. He addressed it to husbands (but I think it is equally useful for wives!):
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up. "A Word to Husbands" in Marriage Lines (1964)
The best advice Terry and I received from friends, early in our marriage, was: Never discuss anything controversial after 10 pm.
At the time, we often reminded each other of this useful precept - to avoid heated arguments when we were both tired. But nowadays it's mostly irrelevant: I am always asleep before 10 pm!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
RIGHT isn't the same as PERFECT
How do you know you are marrying the right person? I once asked a friend who was engaged.
(Young and single at the time, I was determined to learn all I could...)
She looked at me for a moment, then replied: I don't believe there is a Mr. Right... There are probably a large number of men in this world I could be happy with... But I've decided to marry this man.
I stared at her in disbelief: I was looking for Mr. Right!
Where did my idea of "Mr. Right" come from?
Was it from meeting so many nice men I instinctively knew were NOT "Mr Right" ... for me?!
Or was it the novels I had read as a child... and the movies I had seen... love stories where the hero and heroine found true soul mates. The RIGHT one was so obviously RIGHT!
I felt that God might have some certain person for me to marry - and I prayed about it from time to time. Not everyone in my church agreed with me though. I remember discussing this with a 50-something-year-old bachelor who emphatically stated that God was NOT concerned about UNIMPORTANT things like marriage.
I would never pray about marriage, he sputtered. I only pray about IMPORTANT issues...
Like what? I remember asking.
Like world peace and world hunger... things like that.
I thought a lot about what he said. And I looked at his life...
I eventually came to the conclusion that the personality and character of the person with whom I would spend my life, the person who would join me in setting the tone of my home, and in raising my children was extremely important... In fact, he would be my children's role model for life!
There was also a Biblical example, a story in the Bible where God helped someone find THE ONE.
The story puzzled me though: a servant was sent to find a wife for his master's son. He prayed for a sign, so as not to err ... and God pointed him to THE ONE. Amazingly, this young girl agreed to go off with him, a stranger she had never met before...
What bothered me was the second part of the story... Although God had clearly chosen the young man's wife, later in life, conflict arose between the couple. Parents of twin boys, each favored a different child and got caught up in the boys' sibling rivalry. In the end, the family was sadly divided...
My question was: If God chose the two to be RIGHT for each other, why were they in conflict? Shouldn't MR AND MRS RIGHT have a PERFECT marriage?!
Now, after many years of marriage, I think that the answer is that MARRIAGE ISN'T A DESTINATION, IT'S A JOURNEY... a journey that requires people make thoughtful choices, not only before they decide to get married, but also throughout their married life...
Like my parents, who loved each other but were very different. They struggled through much of their married life, each wishing that the other were more like them... But during the last 20 years of their 50-year marriage journey, they found true happiness in each other. The key that transformed their marriage was their conscious effort to avoid criticism and show appreciation every day.
And what about my friend - the one who said she didn't believe there was a "Mr. Right"?
A few years ago, our paths crossed again. Grandparents now, both she and her husband were doing well. Their life has had its share of tragedy: one of their three children died in a traffic accident... But she and her husband were still together, and they looked happy...
I can only assume that, not necessarily looking for MR. RIGHT, she had nonetheless made the RIGHT choice!
(Young and single at the time, I was determined to learn all I could...)
She looked at me for a moment, then replied: I don't believe there is a Mr. Right... There are probably a large number of men in this world I could be happy with... But I've decided to marry this man.
I stared at her in disbelief: I was looking for Mr. Right!
Where did my idea of "Mr. Right" come from?
Was it from meeting so many nice men I instinctively knew were NOT "Mr Right" ... for me?!
Or was it the novels I had read as a child... and the movies I had seen... love stories where the hero and heroine found true soul mates. The RIGHT one was so obviously RIGHT!
I felt that God might have some certain person for me to marry - and I prayed about it from time to time. Not everyone in my church agreed with me though. I remember discussing this with a 50-something-year-old bachelor who emphatically stated that God was NOT concerned about UNIMPORTANT things like marriage.
I would never pray about marriage, he sputtered. I only pray about IMPORTANT issues...
Like what? I remember asking.
Like world peace and world hunger... things like that.
I thought a lot about what he said. And I looked at his life...
I eventually came to the conclusion that the personality and character of the person with whom I would spend my life, the person who would join me in setting the tone of my home, and in raising my children was extremely important... In fact, he would be my children's role model for life!
There was also a Biblical example, a story in the Bible where God helped someone find THE ONE.
The story puzzled me though: a servant was sent to find a wife for his master's son. He prayed for a sign, so as not to err ... and God pointed him to THE ONE. Amazingly, this young girl agreed to go off with him, a stranger she had never met before...
What bothered me was the second part of the story... Although God had clearly chosen the young man's wife, later in life, conflict arose between the couple. Parents of twin boys, each favored a different child and got caught up in the boys' sibling rivalry. In the end, the family was sadly divided...
My question was: If God chose the two to be RIGHT for each other, why were they in conflict? Shouldn't MR AND MRS RIGHT have a PERFECT marriage?!
Now, after many years of marriage, I think that the answer is that MARRIAGE ISN'T A DESTINATION, IT'S A JOURNEY... a journey that requires people make thoughtful choices, not only before they decide to get married, but also throughout their married life...
Like my parents, who loved each other but were very different. They struggled through much of their married life, each wishing that the other were more like them... But during the last 20 years of their 50-year marriage journey, they found true happiness in each other. The key that transformed their marriage was their conscious effort to avoid criticism and show appreciation every day.
And what about my friend - the one who said she didn't believe there was a "Mr. Right"?
A few years ago, our paths crossed again. Grandparents now, both she and her husband were doing well. Their life has had its share of tragedy: one of their three children died in a traffic accident... But she and her husband were still together, and they looked happy...
I can only assume that, not necessarily looking for MR. RIGHT, she had nonetheless made the RIGHT choice!
Friday, September 17, 2010
Anniversary!
Today is our wedding anniversary!
In the early years of our marriage, as our anniversary date approached, I used to replay in my mind the hectic week prior to our wedding, in Montreal...
All week we had welcomed guests: Family members who had come from Edmonton and Kelowna, British Columbia...
Friends had come from afar, too - and many congregated in our new apartment...
A few (like my two Edmonton cousins who were my bridesmaids and Terry's brother who was best man) camped out on the carpeted floor in our sparsely furnished living room...
(Our kids sometimes say: You were "hippies"! Well, not really - but we did do our own thing!)
I wore a borrowed dress that a teaching colleague had offered me - I had skeptically agreed to try it on ...But it was perfect!
I made and decorated my own wedding cake...
Terry spent the morning of our wedding day helping set up the church hall for the reception...
No time for hairdressers or make up artists that day! We rushed around doing as much as we could ourselves - preparing for a party for 100 guests.
Friends had offered to cook and serve the food....
It was a sumptuous buffet!
(Here are some of the organizers... finally sitting down to enjoy the meal!)
Terry and I had purchased several cases of wine and delivered them to the hall... There was a bottle or two at every table...
There was no DJ or music - we had forgotten about that - until it was too late...
The day is rich with memories...
I am amazed at how many people are still part of our lives... (Randall - on the left - was the organist. Robin - here with his wife, Sandra - performed the ceremony.)
Many of the years that followed are kind of a blur - but that day was a jewel in every way!
In the early years of our marriage, as our anniversary date approached, I used to replay in my mind the hectic week prior to our wedding, in Montreal...
All week we had welcomed guests: Family members who had come from Edmonton and Kelowna, British Columbia...
Friends had come from afar, too - and many congregated in our new apartment...
A few (like my two Edmonton cousins who were my bridesmaids and Terry's brother who was best man) camped out on the carpeted floor in our sparsely furnished living room...
(Our kids sometimes say: You were "hippies"! Well, not really - but we did do our own thing!)
I wore a borrowed dress that a teaching colleague had offered me - I had skeptically agreed to try it on ...But it was perfect!
I made and decorated my own wedding cake...
Terry spent the morning of our wedding day helping set up the church hall for the reception...
No time for hairdressers or make up artists that day! We rushed around doing as much as we could ourselves - preparing for a party for 100 guests.
Friends had offered to cook and serve the food....
It was a sumptuous buffet!
(Here are some of the organizers... finally sitting down to enjoy the meal!)
Terry and I had purchased several cases of wine and delivered them to the hall... There was a bottle or two at every table...
There was no DJ or music - we had forgotten about that - until it was too late...
The day is rich with memories...
I am amazed at how many people are still part of our lives... (Randall - on the left - was the organist. Robin - here with his wife, Sandra - performed the ceremony.)
Many of the years that followed are kind of a blur - but that day was a jewel in every way!
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Never After 10 pm...
We had been married only a short time and we were struggling... (This two becoming one was not an easy bonding at times...)
One evening we were having dinner with friends who had been married a few years longer than us... They seemed so experienced in this marriage-thing...
What was their secret of success? I wondered...
I couldn't help but ask: What's the best marriage advice anyone ever gave you?
They immediately replied: Never discuss anything controversial after 10 pm.
That's it?!... It seemed so simple!
So we gave it a try... and it did make a difference! So much so, that for years Terry would look at his watch whenever I wanted to discuss a "potentially-hot" topic... Then he'd ask: Isn't it after 10?
This "rule" (which we still practice today!) did prevent us from over-reacting when we were tired...
(Now I have to remember this advice when talking with my kids!)
One evening we were having dinner with friends who had been married a few years longer than us... They seemed so experienced in this marriage-thing...
What was their secret of success? I wondered...
I couldn't help but ask: What's the best marriage advice anyone ever gave you?
They immediately replied: Never discuss anything controversial after 10 pm.
That's it?!... It seemed so simple!
So we gave it a try... and it did make a difference! So much so, that for years Terry would look at his watch whenever I wanted to discuss a "potentially-hot" topic... Then he'd ask: Isn't it after 10?
This "rule" (which we still practice today!) did prevent us from over-reacting when we were tired...
(Now I have to remember this advice when talking with my kids!)
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Marriage Differences
I think I have discovered the cause of much marriage duress: We are attracted to people who are different from us. ("Opposites attract.") Yet, once married, we are surprised when we don't see eye to eye!
This is true in my marriage as well!
Over time, I have come to realize that I am a big-picture person, given to impulsive purchasing - I really hate to shop unless I intend to buy something. And I usually make sure I do! Terry, on the other hand, is a "details" person who likes to weigh all the pros and cons. Then he hesitates because he wants to be 100% sure before he gets anything.
We have (eventually) come to accept these differences in each other but it took a long time. In our early years together, our different approaches caused us both a lot of stress - as we puzzled over how "strange" the other person's shopping habits were! But I think we have come to accept our differences - most of the time! And we end up making wiser purchases because of his fastidious research. But we don't always shop together! I am happy to have him do all the research he needs... alone. Then - when he knows which item is the best value - I will go with him to buy it... This works for cars, washing machines, fridges, cameras (which we are currently researching) - even groceries! So grocery shopping takes much longer with him than with me, but he never comes home with damaged boxes or tins, as I sometimes do because I don't bother checking - I pick up the item I want and head for the check-out...!
An example of our difference in approach occurred when he and our daughter (who also likes to check every detail before purchasing) went out to buy a piece of computer equipment she needed. They weighed the pros and cons of each item, again and again, but neither of them could make the final decision. Finally our daughter broke the stalemate by saying: What would Mom do?
They immediately knew which to buy, and bought it!
I think that the key to getting along in spite of our differences - is appreciating our differences!
But this, of course, is easier said than done... And it takes practice!
This is true in my marriage as well!
Over time, I have come to realize that I am a big-picture person, given to impulsive purchasing - I really hate to shop unless I intend to buy something. And I usually make sure I do! Terry, on the other hand, is a "details" person who likes to weigh all the pros and cons. Then he hesitates because he wants to be 100% sure before he gets anything.
We have (eventually) come to accept these differences in each other but it took a long time. In our early years together, our different approaches caused us both a lot of stress - as we puzzled over how "strange" the other person's shopping habits were! But I think we have come to accept our differences - most of the time! And we end up making wiser purchases because of his fastidious research. But we don't always shop together! I am happy to have him do all the research he needs... alone. Then - when he knows which item is the best value - I will go with him to buy it... This works for cars, washing machines, fridges, cameras (which we are currently researching) - even groceries! So grocery shopping takes much longer with him than with me, but he never comes home with damaged boxes or tins, as I sometimes do because I don't bother checking - I pick up the item I want and head for the check-out...!
An example of our difference in approach occurred when he and our daughter (who also likes to check every detail before purchasing) went out to buy a piece of computer equipment she needed. They weighed the pros and cons of each item, again and again, but neither of them could make the final decision. Finally our daughter broke the stalemate by saying: What would Mom do?
They immediately knew which to buy, and bought it!
I think that the key to getting along in spite of our differences - is appreciating our differences!
But this, of course, is easier said than done... And it takes practice!
Monday, April 12, 2010
"For the Long Haul..."
I have always wondered why some marriages work, while others flounder... What are their secrets of success...?
So I ask...
Two comments I remember came from young women who had been married for about ten years when I was still single.. (Both are grandmothers now - still married to the same husbands they had back then!)
"What is the secret of a happy marriage?" I asked my friend Ann. She was a role-model for me. I loved being in her home - from time to time I babysat her baby daughter - and I admired their family dynamic.
"Well, there are good years and bad years," she replied.
"You mean, good days and bad days," I corrected her.
"No, good years and bad years..."
(Mmmmm... It looked so easy from the outside...)
Another time I was discussing marriage with a minister's wife, a former beauty queen who had married a handsome football player - who then became a minister. They were such a beautiful couple, fun to be with, I couldn't imagine them having marriage difficulties. So I was surprised to hear her say...
"If I didn't believe God was part of our marriage, I would have walked away long ago - when we had our first major disagreement. But I believe that God brought us together. So, instead of leaving, I prayed..."
(So even happy marriages have their ups and downs...)
A third comment I remember came from a university professor friend who had married very young (when he was 19 and his wife 18). For the first 10 years of their marriage, they had traveled and studied... in Canada, the US, and overseas. Then - when he was completing his PhD.- they had their first child.
"A lot of young marriages don't survive," I commented to him. "And education often drives couples apart, as they develop new interests. How is it that you two have maintained a strong marriage?"
"Well, we consciously make decisions that bring us together," he replied.
(I was astounded at the maturity they must have had, at such a young age...)
Is there a simple "secret of marriage success"?
I'm sure there are many factors that contribute to a long, happy marriage, but one thing stands out to me: All three had a "big picture" of their relationship and viewed marriage as a commitment (as Terry would say) "for the long haul..."
So I ask...
Two comments I remember came from young women who had been married for about ten years when I was still single.. (Both are grandmothers now - still married to the same husbands they had back then!)
"What is the secret of a happy marriage?" I asked my friend Ann. She was a role-model for me. I loved being in her home - from time to time I babysat her baby daughter - and I admired their family dynamic.
"Well, there are good years and bad years," she replied.
"You mean, good days and bad days," I corrected her.
"No, good years and bad years..."
(Mmmmm... It looked so easy from the outside...)
Another time I was discussing marriage with a minister's wife, a former beauty queen who had married a handsome football player - who then became a minister. They were such a beautiful couple, fun to be with, I couldn't imagine them having marriage difficulties. So I was surprised to hear her say...
"If I didn't believe God was part of our marriage, I would have walked away long ago - when we had our first major disagreement. But I believe that God brought us together. So, instead of leaving, I prayed..."
(So even happy marriages have their ups and downs...)
A third comment I remember came from a university professor friend who had married very young (when he was 19 and his wife 18). For the first 10 years of their marriage, they had traveled and studied... in Canada, the US, and overseas. Then - when he was completing his PhD.- they had their first child.
"A lot of young marriages don't survive," I commented to him. "And education often drives couples apart, as they develop new interests. How is it that you two have maintained a strong marriage?"
"Well, we consciously make decisions that bring us together," he replied.
(I was astounded at the maturity they must have had, at such a young age...)
Is there a simple "secret of marriage success"?
I'm sure there are many factors that contribute to a long, happy marriage, but one thing stands out to me: All three had a "big picture" of their relationship and viewed marriage as a commitment (as Terry would say) "for the long haul..."
Monday, February 22, 2010
Asking (the Right) Questions
Questions in a job interview are meant to determine if a candidate is the right person for the job, and also if the job is right for the applicant. Happiness - on both sides - is determined by asking the right questions...
But of course, asking probing questions isn't limited to job interviews!...
When we decided to get married, we really hadn't known each other that long. Perhaps fearing we had made an unwise, rash decision, one of Terry's friends gave us a list of questions couples should ask each other before making that marriage commitment. We rolled our eyes when we saw the list! But we did read it through - and some interesting discussions ensued.
I don't know what happened to our original list - but I found a similar one online. (Most of the questions listed below are taken from it...)
We had already discussed many personal things that were on the list, like...
So now, all these years later, as we embark on a new phase of life - RETIREMENT - with its 24/7 togetherness! - we are again asking each other some of those same pre-marital questions, like...
But of course, asking probing questions isn't limited to job interviews!...
When we decided to get married, we really hadn't known each other that long. Perhaps fearing we had made an unwise, rash decision, one of Terry's friends gave us a list of questions couples should ask each other before making that marriage commitment. We rolled our eyes when we saw the list! But we did read it through - and some interesting discussions ensued.
I don't know what happened to our original list - but I found a similar one online. (Most of the questions listed below are taken from it...)
We had already discussed many personal things that were on the list, like...
- What was your childhood like?
- Was your family an affectionate one?
- What values do you want to bring from your family into our marriage?
- What do you like and dislike about your family?
- What do you like and dislike about your parents' marriage?
- What do you like and dislike about my parents' marriage?
- Are you a saver or spender when it comes to money?
- Do you want to have a budget?
- Should we have a joint checking account or separate accounts or both?
- Who is going to be responsible for making sure that bills are paid on time?
- What are our financial goals?
So now, all these years later, as we embark on a new phase of life - RETIREMENT - with its 24/7 togetherness! - we are again asking each other some of those same pre-marital questions, like...
- What do we as a couple want out of life?
- How are we going to divide up the household chores?
- What are your expectations about how we will spend our free time?
- Do you believe that we should be doing everything together?
- Can we each pursue our own interests?
- Do you need or want time alone?
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
How to Change Your Husband
I remember a comment made by an older woman when someone asked me (in my late 20's) why I wasn't married...
I replied: I haven't met anyone I think I could live with yet.
To which the older woman replied: Husbands! First you marry them - then you change them into what you want them to be!
(Her advice ranked up there with: It's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one - a comment a friend of mine heard from a well-meaning aunt.)
Fortunately, I wasn't naive enough to believe her!
Now, after 32 years of marriage, I have come to the conclusion that you can NEVER change your husband or anyone else ... except perhaps yourself (and even then with great difficulty!)
But we have helped each other change...
How have I changed you over the years? I ask my husband.
You haven't, he says. But you did encourage me to pursue some of my dreams, like getting a counseling degree. And you are always ready to travel.
True. And for his part, my husband (a good listener) has patiently heard me vent my frustrations and offered advice on dealing with issues at home and at work. Early on, when I would respond to some situation in anger, he informed me that when we are angry people don't hear what we are saying (or trying to say). Instead, they only hear the anger. That was important for me to realize.
So have we changed in 32 years?! Of course! Have we changed each other?! Of course! But not necessarily in the ways we want! I'm still as messy as I ever was, and my husband - a neat-freak - still watches as much football on TV as he ever did!
But when two sets of eyes view the same situation in different ways - talk about it... and listen to each other... change and learning inevitably occur.
Change is what life is all about.
As Benjamin Franklin wisely said: When you're finished changing, you're finished.
I replied: I haven't met anyone I think I could live with yet.
To which the older woman replied: Husbands! First you marry them - then you change them into what you want them to be!
(Her advice ranked up there with: It's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one - a comment a friend of mine heard from a well-meaning aunt.)
Fortunately, I wasn't naive enough to believe her!
Now, after 32 years of marriage, I have come to the conclusion that you can NEVER change your husband or anyone else ... except perhaps yourself (and even then with great difficulty!)
But we have helped each other change...
How have I changed you over the years? I ask my husband.
You haven't, he says. But you did encourage me to pursue some of my dreams, like getting a counseling degree. And you are always ready to travel.
True. And for his part, my husband (a good listener) has patiently heard me vent my frustrations and offered advice on dealing with issues at home and at work. Early on, when I would respond to some situation in anger, he informed me that when we are angry people don't hear what we are saying (or trying to say). Instead, they only hear the anger. That was important for me to realize.
So have we changed in 32 years?! Of course! Have we changed each other?! Of course! But not necessarily in the ways we want! I'm still as messy as I ever was, and my husband - a neat-freak - still watches as much football on TV as he ever did!
But when two sets of eyes view the same situation in different ways - talk about it... and listen to each other... change and learning inevitably occur.
Change is what life is all about.
As Benjamin Franklin wisely said: When you're finished changing, you're finished.
Friday, June 26, 2009
The Power of Appreciation
We all love to be appreciated... but some of us forget to take the next step and show appreciation for the people and events that fill our lives, enriching us day by day. I know I tend to focus on the empty half of the glass half-FULL. (That's why I'm THANKFUL for a husband who reminds me to BE THANKFUL!)
There is power in appreciation - given, received or shared. Appreciation lifts our spirits - which is probably why a blog written by a 29-year-old Toronto man has become so popular. I first read about it in the Ottawa Citizen, after it had won a Webby Award. Called 1000 Awesome Things, this blog attracts hundreds (if not thousands) of readers daily because it talks about the pleasure of ordinary things we often overlook. Yesterday's blog, for example, focused on the smell of Play-Doh!
Appreciation changes us - and has the power to change relationships. I know an older couple whose struggling marriage was totally turned around after they were challenged (by a Readers' Digest article!) to replace criticism with compliments. Before long, they were both living in the joy of being loved and appreciated by the person closest to them.
For me (their daughter) it was hard to comprehend the change I could see and feel whenever I visited them. Their love for each other, previously hidden by a litany of complaints, was now shining through.
Appreciation has the power to do that - and make the world a happier place!
There is power in appreciation - given, received or shared. Appreciation lifts our spirits - which is probably why a blog written by a 29-year-old Toronto man has become so popular. I first read about it in the Ottawa Citizen, after it had won a Webby Award. Called 1000 Awesome Things, this blog attracts hundreds (if not thousands) of readers daily because it talks about the pleasure of ordinary things we often overlook. Yesterday's blog, for example, focused on the smell of Play-Doh!
Appreciation changes us - and has the power to change relationships. I know an older couple whose struggling marriage was totally turned around after they were challenged (by a Readers' Digest article!) to replace criticism with compliments. Before long, they were both living in the joy of being loved and appreciated by the person closest to them.
For me (their daughter) it was hard to comprehend the change I could see and feel whenever I visited them. Their love for each other, previously hidden by a litany of complaints, was now shining through.
Appreciation has the power to do that - and make the world a happier place!
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