Black and White - and Shades of Gray

I grew up in a family that saw life in simple terms. Things were good or bad, right or wrong, black or white - not a lot of psychology there. (Which may not be surprising considering that the field of psychology was a new science. It had not become part of people's thinking at that time.)

I left home at 18 - and have been seeing life in shades of gray ever since!

One of the skills my growing-up years didn't teach me, was how to deal with problems or conflict. You might talk about them, with someone you trusted, not usually a family member - you didn't want to be viewed as "bad." Then you would sweep the issue under the rug, so to speak. But it never really disappeared.

What you didn't do (in my family) was come out and address the concern with the person involved. That was taboo... too emotional. Instead, my mother would say: Dad is upset at you
because... Or my father would angrily tell me, You really upset your mother... I learned, in turn, to say to my brother, Mom is mad because...

In short, we didn't sit down and talk to the person we had an issue with... Instead, we tried to get someone else to mediate... (And when I think of it now, when my mother lamented my leaving home at 18 because I was able to talk to my brother in a way she couldn't, she was really saying that she would miss me as a go-between!)

When I first met my husband, I was looking unconsciously for someone I could actually talk to... who would accept my ideas and feeling without judging me. Someone I could be frank with. Listening was - and still is - his gift. But even he had more to learn...

He enrolled in a counseling program where he took many valuable courses. But one of his most significant learning experiences occurred one day in class when the professor criticized him for something. He came home stung and upset. All week he mulled the comment over in his mind. Why had the professor made such an unkind remark?

He finally decided to confront the professor after the next class.

It's been bothering me all week that you said.... about me, Terry told him.

Oh, I didn't mean it like that, the professor said. I meant that....

(And what he had intended to say was in fact a compliment!)

From that time one, I decided to always confront people if they said something that I felt was unjustified, Terry told me. Sometimes we get angry at people over what we perceive is a slight. When, in fact, we have simply misunderstood what they were trying to say. There's been a total miscommunication. Why not clear the air?!

He's absolutely right - but I can't do it! Confronting people without anger is a skill I've never learned. But I am working on it!