(Yes, today is our 37th anniversary...) But after all these years, I still don't feel I have all the answers, which is why I am always interested in other people's "secrets of marriage success."
I look around me at successful - and faltering - marriages, and it is apparent that marriage is more than two people living together. It is a seed that is planted with great hope for a healthy mature "plant." But like all plants, a marriage needs to be consciously tended by both marriage partners to fulfill its true potential.
How is it tended? By paying attention to its needs! Those needs may be different at different times. Perhaps more time together doing fun things... Perhaps simple kindness and appreciation. As I see men and women visit spouses in my mother's nursing home, just being there for the other person counts for a lot, too.
Early in our marriage, we had friends in their 30s who had married at age 18. They had gone to university together and, seven years later, they were expecting their first child.
What is your secret of success? I asked him.
Doing things that draw you together, not things that pull you apart, he quickly answered.
Parenting is a phase of life that can create stress as parents differ in their parenting philosophies. This can happen at any stage, but perhaps occurs most noticeably when children are teenagers. (Perhaps its the culmination of many years of not agreeing...) One couple I know - who are no longer together - had radically different aspirations for their children. He viewed hard work and a disciplined lifestyle as essential. She wanted their children to be popular and have fun. Once, when talking to one of them, Terry commented: You need to come up with a plan that works for both of you.
Planning requires communication. I remember occasions when I didn't agree with Terry's parenting approach and he would say: You're supposed to back me up.
Well, then you have to ask me beforehand and hear what I think, I replied. If I don't agree with you on this matter, I not going to pretend I do.
Communication is essential! It can diffuse anger that builds up when a person doesn't feel listened to or understood. Here I think of advice given to us early in our marriage by a couple who are still together: Don't discuss anything controversial after 10 pm or when you are tired.
We have tried to keep that rule throughout our 37 years.
Simple kindness should also not be underestimated - treating your spouse the way you would like to be treated.
No comments:
Post a Comment