For years Terry has been telling me that I often come to the "rescue" of one of our children... By that, I assume he means that I "help" the person in ways that are ultimately not helpful to him or her, that I am keeping the person from maturing.
As a social worker, he is more educated in these matters, I guess. But quite frankly, as a parent, I often don't see it when my "help" is really unhelpful. So I was interested to come across this comment recently in one of the books I am reading, a book of sermons by Barbara Brown Taylor:
Sometimes our ownership of others' problems ends up crippling both them and us... When we make a habit of rescuing other people, we prevent them from learning about the consequences of their actions. We help them keep their illusions about themselves, and we get to be heroes in the bargain, but it is not good for them or for us. Everybody deserves a chance to fail. It is how we learn to be human.
But we also deserve to have someone in our lives who will... dive into the water when what is disappearing down the river happens to be us. That is not "co-dependence." That is agape, self-giving love...
These words don't help me gauge when my "help" is "unhelpful" - but they do remind me that some help is life-giving...
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