Humorous Tourists's Prayer

When my parents retired, they took trips once or twice a year, especially when one of their friends, Sig Ottenbreit, became a tour bus guide. He would tell my parents about his next planned trip - and my parents would invariably sign up to go along, together with Sig's wife, Millie.

My mother's files contain numerous brochures from trips taken, leaving me to marvel at the places they have seen.

Sig, a retired teacher, kept the tour members entertained throughout the long bus rides. In those days before the internet, he was able to find anecdotes to make them laugh. (Talking to him recently, I discovered that he still doesn't have internet - or email - though he is still active in many organizations.)

Somewhere he found a copy of humorist Art Buchwald's "Tourist Prayer." I found a copy among my mother's things. It's still funny after all these years!

The Tourist Prayer
Heavenly Father, look down on us, your humble, obedient tourist servants who are doomed to travel this Earth taking photographs, mailing postcards, buying souvenirs and walking around in drip-dry underwear.
We beseech you, oh Lord, to see that our plane is not hijacked, our luggage is not lost and our overweight baggage goes unnoticed.
Protect us from surly and unscrupulous taxi drivers, avaricious porters and unlicensed English-speaking guides.
Give us divine guidance in the selection of hotels, that we may find our reservations honored, rooms made up, and hot water running from the faucets. We pray that the telephones work, the operators speak our tongue, and that there is no mail waiting from our children which would force us to cancel the rest of our trip.
Lead us, dear Lord, to good, inexpensive restaurants where the food is superb, the waiters friendly, and the wine included in the price of the meal.
Give us the wisdom to tip correctly in currencies we do not understand. Forgive us for undertipping out of ignorance and overtipping out of fear.
Make the natives love us for what we are and not for what we can contribute to their worldly goods.
Grant us the strength to visit the museums, the cathedrals, the palaces and the castles listed as musts in the guidebooks.
And if perchance we skip a historic monument to take a nap after lunch, have mercy on us, for our flesh is weak.
Husbands: Dear God, keep our wives from reckless shopping and protect them from "bargains" they don't need and can't afford. Lead them not into temptation, for they know not what they do.
Wives: Almighty God, keep our husbands from looking at foreign women and comparing them with us. Save them from making fools of themselves in cafes and nightclubs. Above all, please do not forgive them their trespasses, for they know exactly what they do.