Sharing Children

I was going to title this post "Giving Away a Child" - but I thought it sounded too callus... And I don't believe this tradition is done in a cold-hearted way...

Teaching English to students from other countries was a fascinating experience - partly because of the interesting stories I heard... Here are two - from different countries - that share a similar idea: that children belong, not merely to a couple, but to a wider, extended family.

I first encountered the custom of "sharing children" when chatting with a student from China, a middle-aged man who had been sent to study for a year at the University of Ottawa. In those years, spouses rarely accompanied students - perhaps the thought was that students would be less likely to defect - and choose to stay in Canada - if their family members were all back home.

In any event, I remember asking the student if he had any children, and he replied, Yes, I have a daughter who is a teenager, so my wife isn't alone back home.

Then, after a moment's pause, he added: Actually, she isn't my daughter - she's my niece. My wife never had any children, and my sister, who had six, felt sorry for her. So when she had another baby, she gave her to us.

Really? I asked. Do people do that often?

Sometimes, especially if the family with a lot of children doesn't have enough money to educate them all - and the couple who doesn't have any children is well-off.

I was left pondering this ultimate act of kindness... willingly giving up a child...

The next time I encountered a similar situation was a few years later, when teaching immigrants to Canada. I was talking with a pretty young woman who had recently arrived.

Are you here with your family? I asked.

Just with my husband, she replied.

So all your family are back home?

Well, my mother is in the USA with my brothers, she explained. So we can visit them whenever we want.

Then, after a pause, she quietly added: I have a strange situation. My mother lives in the USA but I didn't know she was my mother until recently. I always thought she was my aunt.

She explained: Back home, my parents lived with my grandparents - my father's parents. We lived in a big house together with my father's brother and his wife.

My mother had three sons, and when I was born, my grandfather told her: You have three children, and your sister-in-law doesn't have any. Give this child to your sister-in-law. My mother didn't want to, but she had no choice. The grandfather was boss. So I was raised in the same house with my parents and my brothers, but I thought my aunt and uncle were my parents.

It was very hard on my mother - she hated living like that - so when my brothers immigrated to the USA, she went with them. I didn't know she was my real mother until I visited her there - and she told me.

So you have two mothers.

She nodded. Then after a pause, she added softly: I would never give away my child...