One of the Hardest Times of Life

I wrote this post two years ago (April 2009) but never posted it. Perhaps the time has come...

Certain stages of life are hard - the teenage years can be hard for teenagers and parents alike.

But in parenting, there is also joy.. and fun.. mixed in with the hard stages, the times of tiredness and self-doubt - when you wish you could make EVERYTHING right for EVERYONE, ALL the time. Have no suffering.

But life, with all its joy and change, is full of "growing pains."

Second Childhood

I am - in a way - going through "growing pains" again, only this time, not with my children, but with my mother. She is becoming increasingly confused. Her memory isn't all that bad, but she doesn't get the big picture. I have to accompany her to doctor appointments and explain to her - again and again - what the doctor said, what the doctor meant. She hears what she wants to hear - and blocks out the rest!

I'm not sure if she's aware that her memory isn't what it used to be - or if she's in denial, too proud to accept it!

For some people, losing their drivers' license is a turning point. (I'm sure it will be with me.) Loss of independence... But for my mother, who depended on my father to chauffeur her around, food and medication are the big issues. She has wanted to cook her own food and take her own pills. She doesn't need - or want - any help, thank you very much!

But times may be changing. After spending a few weeks as a visitor in an assisted-living retirement residence, she has decided that she wants to stay. She likes the food - and is willing to give up cooking for herself. She loves the exercises classes and the sociability a group of residents provides. But she still wants to be in charge of her own medication, even though she takes 7 or 8 pills a day - and both her doctor and the pharmacist have told me that her medication needs to be supervised. Yet she staunchly insists: I haven't made any mistakes yet...

I have been told, by people experienced in dementia, that someone with dementia can be confused for a while - and a few hours later be back to normal. A few days ago, my mother forgot where the bathroom in our house is - a house she has visited weekly for almost seven years. (Should I be concerned?! I am!)

So I find myself caught in the middle.

Her medication needs to be supervised. She shouldn't be taking her own pills, her doctor tells me, expecting me to do something about it... But she won't listen to me!

But the doctors said..., I tell her.

They don't know what they're talking about, she retorts.

I'm torn between the urge to let her do what she wants - come what may - and an ultimatum: "This is the way it is going to be!"

So I leave her house seething and disappointed. Disappointed that life has brought us to this clash of wills... I really don't want to be angry at her all the time - or have her angry at me... Yet the "role" of "enforcer" has been given to me.

And there is more... As I flee to my home, frustrated at my mother, in my mind another scenario plays itself out: When I look at my mother, I see myself... a few years down the road... Will I be the same?

Of course you will! my daughter says with a laugh, when I mention this to her. (She smiles, but I'm not sure if she's joking!)

Being reminded of the dark shadows ahead isn't fun - when there are still so many things to do, and places to visit... So many dreams to fulfill...

So as my mother and I both deal with the challenges of today - and tomorrow - there are times when we are both overwhelmed. For both of us, and for different reasons, this as one of the hardest times of life.