Forgiving... and Being Forgiven

I have been giving a lot of thought to forgiveness these days... Not because I have been wronged more than anyone else. But because I find forgiving others a very hard thing to do...

As I look back on my childhood and my early years, I remember feeling the victim of my circumstances - and what child isn't?! ... We are all born into families that have their own personalities, their own dynamics... And we have to learn how to survive (and hopefully thrive) within them. (And of course, we also make our mark within them, too!)

But some of us - as in my case - feel at a certain point that we need to escape a family we really don't like to live in, to create our own "family" - whether that be as a single person with friends, or a partner in a marriage, or a parent with children to raise. What a joy it was - for me - to leave home and create my own "family" - to determine who would be in my life ... first as a single person, and later on as a wife and mother, helping create a family "culture" or dynamic that I felt comfortable in... I remember feeling FREE!

Don't get me wrong... I grew up in a family that had many strengths: it provided love and support in many ways. But what I found hard was that there was a lot of criticism and hard judgment, as well... I was expected to be perfect... And that is what I wanted to escape... I really didn't want to get caught up in it... trying to be perfect ... or trying to make my relatives think I was perfect...

Why can't we just enjoy each other - live and let live? I wanted to say... Instead, I took the easy way out - and walked away. My motto in those days was: If you can't please everybody and also please yourself, then please yourself. When I look back on that, on the one hand it seems a little selfish... (Like Frank Sinatra singing, "I did it my way...") But for me, it was necessary for survival.

But as with everything in life - we may leave our past behind - but we also take it with us, wherever we go. Scratch the surface, and it's there. And it is that past that I'm trying to make peace with these days!

A few years ago, my mother moved to live near me - and she only needs to open her mouth, and my childhood memories - the bad ones, in particular - come flooding back... I really don't want to go back there ... and I don't want to hold grudges against her... Or against any of the relatives who helped raise me, most of whom are no longer alive. So I am trying to make my peace with her and with my past...

Why bother?

One reason, is that forgiveness is an essential part of Christian faith. In the Lord's Prayer we ask God to ...

Forgive us our sins (or trespasses) AS WE FORGIVE THOSE who sin (or trespass) against us...

Un-forgiveness is not an option, no matter how hard forgiveness may be. As someone once commented - to forgive implies that we are condoning the action... And that is often how it seems. I think that's why it's so hard to forgive - you know you've been wronged... You don't want to say, THAT'S ALL RIGHT ... when every ounce of you is screaming: I was wronged!

I remember reading somewhere that forgiveness involves naming the wrong... (It was wrong to...) and then adding... (But I give up my right to get even...)

Another reason why I want to let go of my anger is that resentment - another form of un-forgiveness - is no easier to live with than the constant criticism I was trying to avoid... We all want to love and be loved (and accepted for who we are). That is why so many people long to "fall in love"...

To create the home I want - where love and acceptance abound - I need to sweep anger and resentment out! In fact, they are forms of criticism, too. My holding on to anger poisons the air as much as constant fault-finding does. And I really don't want to live where that is the norm.