Giving Up Control

CONTROL has always been a big issue in my life - and one of the reasons I moved so far away from home at an early age: I wanted to avoid conflict over how I should live my life. I wanted TOTAL CONTROL.

It was a good move - a healthy one - for me.

But the issue of CONTROL did not disappear! I became a teacher, who needed to CONTROL a class... and a parent who tried to CONTROL the behavior of my three children! (They still remind me of the time I wanted to move to my own restaurant table when their antics were driving me crazy!) In addition, I married a man who was the oldest sibling in his family (just as I was the oldest in mine). Since the oldest child is often the "boss" among the children, each of us has always felt responsible for decision-making and CONTROL.

Our dilemma was aptly described in a cartoon I came across during our first year of marriage... Two characters were defining the concept of "marriage."

Marriage, the one said, is two living as one.

Yes, but which one? the second character asked.

It's a question we are still asking ourselves today!

So coming across the following words in Joan Chittister's book, The Rule of Benedict, immediately made me stop and reflect:

"Life is a teacher of universal truths... To the wise, it seems, life is not a series of events to be controlled. Life is a way of walking through the universe whole and holy."

Is acceptance - rather than CONTROL - feasible or desirable?

We do need some CONTROL - whether it be SELF-CONTROL or CONTROL of children in order to minimize risks for hurting ourselves or others. We CONTROL a child in the kitchen so that he won't cut or burn himself... until the child develops wisdom and SELF-CONTROL. Teachers CONTROL classroom behavior so that all can learn in a peaceful, safe environment.

Perhaps the answer lies in the healthy balance of control and acceptance so aptly described in the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.