Getting Along with (Adult) Children

Parenting is never easy. Parents are always being "stretched" ... (And, as a parent, I think that's a good thing. I want to keep "growing"!)

The burning problems of the early years (such as, Will I ever sleep through the night again without my child waking me up?) or the middle years (Will my child be influenced by peers to start smoking?) have been replaced by other concerns now that my children have reached adulthood. My concern now is: Will I continue to get along with my adult child? and Can we continue to be friends?

Being friends with my children is one of my goals in life. I remember a teacher-colleague telling me that the professor in a course he was taking had made the comment: I didn't have children to be friends with them.

And my colleague (a parent of two) immediately thought: How strange! That's exactly why I had children!

I had to concur: If I didn't have a good relationship with my children when they were grown, I would consider myself somewhat of a failure as a parent.

Without going into great detail about my own family dynamics - which I still puzzle over - I will only say that my father loved to "push my buttons" by saying things that would predictably upset me. Why did he do that? Was it to maintain a sense of control? Or was I immature to fall into that trap so easily whenever it happened? I don't know. I only know that it didn't build a strong relationship between us.

So recently - when I said something I shouldn't have said to one of my children - and was met with an icy response - I was devastated. Had I broken the bond of friendship between us? Could this be mended?

My husband said something that was of great comfort to me. He said: I think you have enough "money" in the emotional "bank account" to cover it... Just don't do it again!

He was right. I apologized - and all is well.

But his comparison of building (or destroying) relationships to putting "money" into a "bank account" (or withdrawing it) has made me more aware of how each small kindness (or hurt) affects the "balance" in our relationships not only with our children, but with everyone we know.