How to Change Your Husband

I remember a comment made by an older woman when someone asked me (in my late 20's) why I wasn't married...

I replied: I haven't met anyone I think I could live with yet.

To which the older woman replied: Husbands! First you marry them - then you change them into what you want them to be!

(Her advice ranked up there with: It's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one - a comment a friend of mine heard from a well-meaning aunt.)

Fortunately, I wasn't naive enough to believe her!

Now, after 32 years of marriage, I have come to the conclusion that you can NEVER change your husband or anyone else ... except perhaps yourself (and even then with great difficulty!)

But we have helped each other change...

How have I changed you over the years? I ask my husband.

You haven't, he says. But you did encourage me to pursue some of my dreams, like getting a counseling degree. And you are always ready to travel.

True. And for his part, my husband (a good listener) has patiently heard me vent my frustrations and offered advice on dealing with issues at home and at work. Early on, when I would respond to some situation in anger, he informed me that when we are angry people don't hear what we are saying (or trying to say). Instead, they only hear the anger. That was important for me to realize.

So have we changed in 32 years?! Of course! Have we changed each other?! Of course! But not necessarily in the ways we want! I'm still as messy as I ever was, and my husband - a neat-freak - still watches as much football on TV as he ever did!

But when two sets of eyes view the same situation in different ways - talk about it... and listen to each other... change and learning inevitably occur.

Change is what life is all about.

As Benjamin Franklin wisely said: When you're finished changing, you're finished.